Side Rant: America the Internet

Dear America,

You are America. I am America. WE ARE AMERICA.

I am proud to be an American, and as an American, I will tell you that I have but one question that needs to be answered to keep me, a member of the laboring proletariat, complacent and placid enough to unquestioningly obey the oppressive powers and politics of this country to continue the toil of my indentured servitude here in the YOO S OF A.

First, some background: I do a fair amount of work on the internet, as I’m sure 7.4 billion of the 7.5 billion people on this planet do also. And I’m not talking Instaspace social media Farmville stuff – I’m talking, like, “keeping the economic cogs of capitalism oiled and moving” business-y, money-y type stuff.

Also, as background, this is 2015. ANNO DOMINE TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN. Miracles upon miracles of modern technology are showered upon us every day, soaking us with their magic and materialism.

We can buy boxes from Home Depot that make things – REAL LIFE THINGS – out of pictures on our computers with toothpaste looking plastic stuff. If a Republican cheats on his wife, WE KNOW INSTANTLY. When I want food, I can drive my internal combustion engine to a location where they will instantly serve me Type II diabetes because they want me to “have it my way”.

So, with ample patriotism and background given; Yes, I am proud to be an American and yes, we are living in the Golden Age of Technology, my question is this:

Why does our internet suck so hard?

I don’t think this is big question, a hard question, a question that requires mysticism or the translations of Holy Texts to answer.

My question seems like a relatively simple and solvable thing. While the rest of America debates complex quandries like, “Am I a boy or a girl?” or “Does a flag make people racist?” or “What makes a blue moon ‘blue’?”, I am asking “Why is our internet 31st in the world BEHIND URUGUAY?”

No offense, Uruguay, I’m sure your country is nice. I googled it to double-check where it was and there were grasslands, these finger things coming out of a beach, and pot leaves. But no one evens knows how to pronounce your name. Yurogway. Yurogwai. Oooroogway. Ooorooogwai.

United States of America. Easy to say. If you say it with a southern accent you’ll even sound like a local.


In closing, as America the Beautiful, our pride and patriotism doesn’t come from culture and community, from flags and fraternalism, or from democracy and despots; it comes from being better than everyone else. Bragging rights. Shove-your-face-in-the-sand-of-our-extravagant-wealth-palaces. We need talking about our awesomeness to get us through conversations with other cultures, or we’ll end up having to talk about Iraq and the NSA and stuff.

In order for us to remain proud and patriotic, WE ACTUALLY NEED TO BE BETTER or we have nothing.

Let’s do better.

Let’s be better.

Let’s be America.

Waving his flag,

Phil Eich, Citizen

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